By Virginia Allen
Most of us said we would never do it.
“I don’t want to meet my spouse online. That’s not romantic,” I thought at 22. But suddenly, you’re 31 and still waiting for the “meet-cute” in the checkout line at the grocery store. So, out comes the cellphone, and you pray this online dating thing is not as bad as you’ve heard. While I’m no expert when it comes to online dating, I am here to tell you it can be pretty fun if you understand the economy of online dating.
Dating, at least online dating, is a numbers game, and chances are someone has said this to you. After being single for 31 years, I knew that advice so well that I started handing it out despite never playing the game myself. But after going on just one date in 12 months, I was ready to take my own advice.
The Numbers Game
The numbers game, in short, is played by going on as many dates as possible as quickly as possible. I have used multiple dating apps, but have had the most success on Hinge, so I will explain the numbers game in the context of the Hinge dating app.
Step 1: Set Up Your Profile
Before explaining the unwritten rules of the numbers game, allow me to give you three pieces of advice regarding your dating app profile:
- If your faith is important to you, don’t match with anyone who does not say something about their own faith on their profile. Checking the box “Christian” means nothing. Similarly, if there is something you are not willing to compromise on, set that boundary before you begin looking at your likes and messages. Hold fast to that standard, no matter how attractive that man is in the photos.
- Use one of the prompts to share something a little vulnerable about yourself. Don’t divulge your greatest weakness but give people a true sense of who you are.
- Ladies, don’t send likes or messages. We wait for the men to come to us because, even online, guys like to feel like they are pursuing you.
Step 2: Let the Matches Roll In
You will likely get a lot of likes and messages over your first several days on the app. Sorting through the messages will take time, so block 30 to 60 minutes each day to do this. Hit the “X” on anyone who does not meet your non-negotiable standards. But if you see no red flags and find them even somewhat attractive, it’s time to match.
And remember, this is a numbers game, so don’t hold back—start as many conversations as you feel like you can reasonably handle.
Step 3: Messaging
The messaging phase of the numbers game is work. I started conversations with about a dozen of the 300 or so men who sent me likes and messages, and it took me about an hour each night to keep those conversations going.
After about a week of sending messages, several guys began asking to meet for coffee or have a phone call. It’s safe to say you can ditch the guy who has not suggested a date after two or three weeks of messaging.
Step 4: First Dates
First dates are the brux of the numbers game. Starting multiple conversations at once is aimed at one goal—to go on as many dates as possible as quickly as possible.
First dates should be short. A 45-to-60-minute coffee is usually the sweet spot. If you can, schedule multiple dates in one day. The goal is not to determine if you want to marry them, only if you would be open to a second date.
Step 5: Narrow
After going on first dates with three, five, or ten guys, accept invitations for second dates with anyone you are interested in getting to know more. You know yourself, so don’t accept more second dates than you can handle.
If you did not meet anyone whom you are interested in going on a second date with, don’t worry, there are plenty more great guys out there. Try taking a break from the app for a week or a month and then restart the game.
If you did meet one, or a few, guy(s) you are interested in, keep going on dates with them until it becomes clear if you would be open to taking things to the next step.
Sadly, there is no foolproof dating formula, but basic economic principles hold true even in dating—the more dates we go on, the higher chances we have of finding a good man (you only need one) to date and maybe, one day, build a life with.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Virginia Allen is a podcast host and senior news producer at The Daily Signal, where she co-hosts the “Problematic Women” podcast. She covers immigration, border security, Israel, and national security.
Originally from New England, Allen earned a government degree from Regent University. After a year in South Africa as a missionary, she began her media career in Washington, D.C. with The Heritage Foundation and The Daily Signal.
