By: Ashley Ann Reich 

February is the month when love is front and center in our key relationships, which can look a variety of different ways. Some relationships are new and fresh, and love is just beginning, and other relationships have stood the test of time and are worth celebrating – as Celine Dion would say – “the power of love”. 

One of the relationships that is likely near and dear to each of us is with those who had a hand in raising us. As your parents or guardians begin to age, it can be tough to know exactly how to love and care for them properly. When is it appropriate to step in and provide your opinion on a matter, or when should you allow them space to navigate this new phase of life on their own?

If you are anything like me, my parents are not getting any younger, and it is highly likely that, as my parents continue to get older, they will have more health ailments –not less. As we focus on love this month, I want to provide some tangible and loving ways to care for your parents in their later years.  

Determine Independence

If your parents are retired, traveling, and relatively healthy, this is a blessing. This will allow you to be freed up to care for the daily needs of your own family, continue to work a full-time job, and enjoy life. If your parents have health or mobility issues, you are likely having conversations about what is best in terms of care. If your parents are in a situation where they seem to need care more regularly, especially for simple tasks, it is worth determining how to best fit into that equation. 

Your parents’ aging can often create tension between you and them since they may be embarrassed to have entered a stage where they heavily rely on you to assist them in their daily needs, such as bathing, cooking, grocery shopping, or simply getting up and out of a chair. It is good to establish boundaries and communicate with one another in a respectful manner. It is also imperative to give your parents space to grieve the fact that they have lost most of their independence, and this is not personal but rather part of the grieving process as they are moving into an uncharted season of life. 

Set Up Systems 

In a perfect world, every parent would have set up a living will, purchased long-term care insurance, and created medical directives early in life. Unfortunately, many do not, which can frustrate their children and other family members seeking answers on how to move forward. If your parents are still living and in stable mental health, it is a good idea to have a conversation about what their end-of-life care will look like. 

In a study conducted by the Employee Benefit Research Institute, about 1 out of 5 seniors over the age of 55 have less than $10,000 in retirement savings, which can put a huge strain on the family taking care of them. Discuss with your parents before they retire what their financial picture entails so that you can understand what they can afford if their health begins to decline or they are unable to make independent financial decisions. This can be an uncomfortable conversation, and many parents are embarrassed to talk about their lack of financial progress. Speaking from my experience, this provides clear expectations for the family members involved on how they may need to assist. 

Ensure that your parents have created a living will and testament and that their accounts have been updated with the proper beneficiaries. You will want to sit down in person to talk through the details so that you are clear on their financial and medical directives when it comes time to initiate their wishes. Once again, this will not be an easy conversation, and feelings can get hurt, but make sure to listen well, ask questions, and understand their intentions so that you can love them well through their last days. 

If one or both of your parents are ill and have cognitive issues such as dementia or Alzheimer’s, it is imperative that you determine how to step in as a healthcare proxy or durable Power of Attorney to assist them in making healthcare and long-term care decisions. Each state has a certain name for this role, and there are required forms that must be completed prior to gaining access to your parents’ medical records or to make medical decisions on their behalf. If only one parent has cognitive issues, you will want to be present to provide support to the other parent during doctor’s visits to discuss medical options and as you seek to potentially find a memory care facility. 

Provide Dignity

Seeing your parents get older and their health begin to decline is one of the most difficult and challenging seasons. The desire is to ensure they are well cared for, but there are many hurdles along the way that distract us from the primary goal of providing them dignity in their final days. Some practical and tangible tips to loving your parents well include: 

  • Call and check in with them regularly. This can be a lonely season of life, and it is always helpful for them to hear a familiar voice and see a familiar face.
  • Set boundaries on when they want to be visited and how involved you will be at the outset. This lets your parents know what to expect regarding your involvement and ensures mutual agreement on the boundaries. 
  • Understand that, as the years go by, your parent’s health and cognitive ability can and likely will decline – and often without much warning. Give yourself grace and space to grieve what you once knew. Find ways to have a community that understands what you are going through and can provide you with an outlet, when needed.
  • Respect their specific wishes until the day they die. I always think of this as the “golden rule” of treating others as you would want to be treated. Your parents deserve the utmost respect at the end of life, and one tangible way to do that is to ensure that their directives are issued properly to leave a lasting legacy.

On a personal note, if you are walking through this season, I know it is not easy. You likely feel strained, stressed, and overwhelmed by the sheer weight of how to best take care of those you love most. As someone in the “sandwich generation”, I am constantly feeling the pull of taking care of my own family and caring for my parents or in-laws – this season is not for the faint of heart. Some days, you will feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders, and other times, you will feel prepared for what is to come next. Ensure that you have a solid support system around you that will allow you to focus on loving your parents well through this next season of life.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ashley Ann Reich has been with Liberty University since 2007, first working in Student Financial Services and then as Executive Director of Government Affairs before transitioning to her current role as Senior Vice President of University Compliance. During her time at LU, Ashley started the first financial literacy program, reaching thousands of students in budgeting, paying down debt, and planning for the future.